The History of Road Kill
Copyright 2004, Keith W. Caroselli, all rights reserved
Stoneius Maximus Flatenous 2000 B.C. to 500 A.D.
As far back as we can trace, Road Kill was believed to have begun during this time period.
The Dinosaurs were the first to create Road Kill, but since they were so stupid as to allow
themselves to become extinct, man has been credited with this. Although primitive man was god fearing,
after seeing the debacle with Adam in the Garden with Eve, man wasn?t about to take a chance of adding
to the sin of the world. Man had not been told ?Thou Shall not Kill? so he had no knowledge
of right & wrong and in essence only eating the forbidden fruit was considered wrong.

So, hungry and God fearing, man set out to find something to eat that wouldn?t anger the Big-Guy
and didn?t look and taste like an apple. While cruising through the neighborhood,
some cave man came across a round stone later to be known as a wheel. The rolling of this stone soon became so intriguing to man that he was soon rolling his stone over, around and through anything in his path. The animal kingdom, venturing out of their hiding places to find out what this graduated ape was doing, soon fell prey to the great wheel - killed and left lying by the side of the path (roads had not been invented yet). Knowing that they had not actually killed the animals themselves, the cavemen watched as primitive magpies fed on the recently flattened critters left in the path created by their wheel.
Upon the discovery of fire the mates carefully picked up the Path Kill and threw it into the fire. After many unsuccessful attempts of eating fir and feathers, they discovered the need to skin the Path Kill before cooking it. By gaining this new form of protein, primitive man flourished.

Woodenious Cartious Crunchious, 501A.D. to 1900 A.D.
As society advanced from the stone wheel into the wooden wheel and beyond, Path Kill became Road Kill which became more than just an animal that merely happened to get in the way. Road Kill soon developed into a game for man. Because of man?s competitive nature and through loose interpretation and loopholes in the Good Book as to the meaning of ?Thou Shall not Kill?, Road Kill took a giant step forward.
Man found that because of the lightweight nature of the wooden wheel he was able to be much more accurate in his aim, thus his ability to procure Road Kill was greatly enhanced. He also discovered that he was able to eat much fresher Road Kill simply by starting a fire with his wooden wheel right on the spot. Of course, by doing this, he had to make and carry a lot more wheels, so he created the ?cart? to carry the wheels. Tiring of pulling the cart by himself, he hooked up a horse to the cart and found that he could double the amount of Road Kill in half the time by getting the horse involved in the sport.
Think how amazed he was when he went to four wheels.
Giant Road Kill tournaments soon sprang up all over Europe and chapters of ?Roadie Clubs? (later replaced by Rugby Clubs) soon spread to the New World. Actually, Columbus didn?t leave Europe because he believed that the world was round, he left because he got tired of hassling the crowds attending the Road Kill tournaments on weekends. Of course it didn?t take long for the Road Kill craze to catch on in the New World. In fact, the first Thanksgiving consisted of Road Kill turkey and smashed potatoes supplied by a run-away cart in some poor indian?s garden.
As man moved westward, new Road Kill presented itself. Imagine how many prairie dogs were squashed as Ward Bond and Ronald Regan guided those wagons over them thar hills, and there is no telling how many critters were stomped at the Little Big Horn by all of the Sioux Nations horses. Yes, Road Kill was here to stay.

Ruberous Maximus Tenderzeous, 1901 A.D. to Present Day
Today the art of Road Kill has passed from a weekend hobby to a recognized world wide sport, an obsession with many, especially those from the South. All of the major Pick-up Truck manufacturers have accessorized the four-wheel drive machines to be equipped with Road Kill extras - Road Kill shred wheels for that ground-up look, Road Kill radar, etc. Eighteen-wheelers have made Road Kill mud flaps a stock item on all of their rigs. The advancement of the maneuverability of cars and trucks has made Road Kill more available to the general public. In fact, you can just about go out into any busy street in the nation and find enough Road Kill to go around.
The advent of the microwave-oven has also increased Road Kill?s popularity. No longer does Mom have to suffer over a boiling pan of Road Kill all day - she just throws the critter du jour into a micro-safe bowl, throws on the cover (we all know how micro-cat has a tendency to explode), and presto - minute Road Kill. The Microwave also makes it handy for a quick after school snack for the kids when they bring home a little Road Kill they found while playing in the bushes or walking in the gutter on the way home from school.
Editors Note: This History of Road Kill was compiled by Coach Paul Allen of Newport Beach, CA. for the Rocky Mtn. Road Kill Chili Team of 1993

Disclaimer No animals were injured or hurt in the writing of this history of Road Kill. If you find any of this offensive then you need a better since of humor. Three states have even legalized the cooking of Road Kill....Tennessee, Ohio & West Virginia. This is designed as a novelty cooking device and care should be taken not to serve meats with our ROAD KILLed image to the following people;

Animal Rights activists, (maybe portobello mushrooms)

Vegetarians, Can you really have a beef with one ? (grilled cheese sandwich)

People in Nursing Homes.

Elks Club members

Moose Club members

Possum Lodge Members
Again, under NO circumstances should you serve ROAD KILLed meats to these people.

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